Saturday, January 12, 2008

You Spin Me Right 'Round, Baby, Right Round...Like A Broken Record.

It's official, I wear a size 14! I went shopping last night and every size 14 I tried on fit! Some were even loose. I even fit into a couple of size 12's! I lost 2.8 pounds at weigh-in. I am now exactly 190.0 pounds. That means next week, I imagine, I'll be in the 180's. I haven't been in the 180's in seven years. I can't believe it. Literally.

First off let me apologize to anyone reading this (like Benji, Megan, Irene, Mprfct - Thanks for the Support!!). It's monotonous drivel from a neurotic woman who gets fixated on certain topics for days, sometimes weeks, on end. Thank you for bearing with me.

I was talking to my husband about how I'm struggling to see myself as having lost weight and being smaller. When I look in the mirror naked all I see is fat, fat, and more fat. My husband suggested posting before pictures on the fridge next to current ones so I can get a visual of how different I look. I think that's a good idea. I talked to a friend who said a friend of hers lost about 200 pounds and that it took her years before her view of herself adjusted to match reality. Wow, that made me feel better. I'm not just a neurotic mess who doesn't know how to appreciate a good thing when I see it.

Six months ago size 14 would have been heaven. To tell the truth I didn't really believe I was going to make it here. I just plugged along focusing on what was in front of me, the next weigh-in, the next meal, the next challenge. So, here I am. I have a long way to go but the funny thing is, I'm starting to believe I'll get there.

Of course, I have to be neurotic about that too. I think believing I'll get there is making me more critical of myself as I am now. Before I just accepted that I was fat and had an, "oh well, at least I'm doing something about it" attitude. Now the fat is bothering me. The reality is, though, I don't think I can get thin enough for the fat not to bother me. If history is any guide, I'll never be satisfied.

Which brings me back to seeing myself as I am now. I need to see my accomplishment, celebrate it, internalize it. Every time someone compliments me on the weight loss I say, "ah, well, I have so much more to lose." I need to stop that altogether. "Thank you, I've worked hard at it and I appreciate your support."

I am so focused on these kinds of issues because I'm convinced they are part of why I have not maintained weight loss in the past. The constant state of not being good enough is tiresome, and eventually leads to relapse. My mind thinks I'm not relapsing since I never succeeded to begin with.

Anyway, I'm thrilled with the weight loss this week; still, I don't want to work too hard and burn myself out. I'm also going to start shooting for one outdoor activity per week. This afternoon I'm going on a 3.5 mile walk, including crossing the Golden Gate Bridge. It'll be beautiful. I love San Francisco.

I love this site. I'm cross-posting on Meg's and my Biggest Loser site but it's just not the same as here. Thank you again to all for the support, encouragement, tips and tricks, etc.

1 comment:

  1. "My mind thinks I'm not relapsing since I never succeeded to begin with." Amazing insight there. I struggle with being too self-critical, and need to focus on re-directing that energy into something more constructive.


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