Friday, September 5, 2008

Lame Excuses and Leaf Turning

So here's the deal. My eating is out of control. The less than stellar food choices started almost as soon as I went off Weight Watchers but the eating really got out of control when the exhaustion hit. It felt pretty clear to me that I was eating junk for two reasons, 1- to comfort myself and 2- because I had that, "I feel like crap and I don't care I'm eating this," rebellion attitude. Oh and also I think in the back of my mind that whole, "I'm pregnant" thing added to it.

Well, those first two excuses are not really valid anymore (and the third was never a good reason to eat junk). I don't really need the comfort, I'm actually feeling alright these days, which also means I can't exactly rebel against feeling like crap. Now I'm left with some bad habits I developed over the last couple of months. Want a doughnut while grocery shopping? Sure! Feel like you want to eat a Reese's Peanut Butter Cups? And a Reese's Sticks? Why not? Yes, I've slipped into this thing where I barely deny myself any food thought that comes into my head. And it's not good.

So my weight fluctuated some in the first trimester. I started at 164.4, went down to 158.8 and then went back up to 164.9 by last Friday. My nutritionist viewed this as me gaining only .5 pounds in the first trimester. Fine, I'll take it. But, at our appointment last Friday she instructed me to gain no more than 3 pounds in the next month. Guess how much I've gained in the first week? 2 pounds. Yep, 2 pounds! That's not going to work. My eating has to change.

By the way, she has me on track to gain 25 pounds during the whole thing. That sounds reasonable to me. I read a lot of articles that said overweight women should shoot to gain 15 pounds. That just sounds kind of crazy to me. 25 seems reasonable and like something I can live with. But I have to sort of chuckle because I don't know what the hell I'm talking about. I've never been pregnant. I don't know how "reasonable" it will be to gain 25 pounds. But, it sounds good so I'll go with it.

So, my eating has to change. I'm in a pattern of saying that and then not changing. For example, yesterday I wanted a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. Brought on by my eating some individual Hershey's bars at the office. Chocolate begets chocolate in my world. Anyway, after work I got the peanut butter cups and the aforementioned Reese's Sticks bar too. Oh dear. I'm telling you this in the hopes that I can stop being in denial. So I ate them and then felt like crap. Now my eating that started out as a way to make me not feel like crap is making me feel like crap.

I want to change, I enjoy healthy foods more than chocolate. Weird, but on the whole I believe that's true. Chocolate is a nice treat but when I eat two candy bars in a row after work I can't honestly say I enjoy them, you know what I mean? I'm supposed to be tracking my eating for Christine (the nutritionist) but haven't been. I'm going to go track my breakfast right now. Alright, that's done. I'm turning over a new tracking leaf today! Right now!! [By the way, in regards to my eating plan, 1 protein = 1 oz. So 4 proteins = 4 oz of lean meat. It's not as much as it sounds.]

Really quick...I started my swim class on Wednesday. After work I looked up the class schedule to confirm the start time of 6pm and guess what? The class started over 2 weeks ago!!! On 8/18! Holy Toledo! I couldn't believe, and still don't understand how, I screwed that up. I went to the class and told Jean I had the wrong start date. She hadn't dropped me, thank goodness.

She's also fine with me being pregnant, "It seems like every year I have at least one pregnant lady, it used to freak me out but now I'm used to it." She gave me a lecture on taking it slow, listening to my body, not letting my heart rate get too high. I love her. She's so awesome. So I got into a lane with three ladies and we did some drills. Freestyle, kicks, backstroke (which I had to learn!). I felt so great after the class. I was all fired up to go weight training the next day, Thursday, which didn't, ahem, happen. But, I'm so glad to be taking this class. Like I said before, if nothing else I'll be getting 3 hours of exercise per week.

I'm hoping this will kick my eating into gear. When I'm exercising the food thing seems to come easier. I just need to get in one more day on my own. Maybe I'll go to the gym today and do that weight training.

What's on tap for this weekend? Well, tomorrow I'm hoping we can hit the beach. We're in the middle of a heat wave here in the SF Bay Area and that cold bay water sounds good right about now. Then in the evening we're going to see Dave Matthews at The Greek Theater. Yay! I'm excited. And on Sunday I am going on a group 32 mile road ride in Napa, "For the most part this is an easy bike ride over mostly flat and some mild rolling hills through back roads and vineyards...". Yeah, that "for the most part" part makes me nervous! I'm going to let them know my status though and hope they'll feel particularly patient as a result :)

I hope everyone else has fabulous weekend plans too. Let's get out there and live!


  1. I share where your at - It is a daily stuggle and there are days I feel like I can get this food thing under control and days that I cannot - But I just take a deep breath and take it one day at a time. I just reach deep into my brain and go to the drawer and pull out a photo of when I was 210 cuss at myself and say oh Sh*t never again and let me tell you that is just the big kick in the ass that I need to stay on or get back on track.
    You are doing great do not beat yourself up or at least not to badly!!
    Happy Friday ;)

  2. Michelle,
    If you're going to swim class twice a week, and want to add another session in, doesn't a 33 mile bike ride count for something? I think it counts even if it's fun. Just saying.

    If you're using babyfit to track your nutrition, if it's like spark, you can copy a meal to another day. That makes it faster. I know tracking everything was key for me. And yes, chocolate begets chocolate. You're right about the exercise inducing (am I allowed to use that word?) the same good feelings as chocolate.

    Ever been to Shell Beach on Tomales Bay? That used to be E's and my fave beach. Nice little hike to and from.

    Keep it moving, friend. Glad to hear you're doing that again. And take naps ; )

  3. Michelle, remember how far you've come - carry your skinny back, triathlon photo with you - anything that reminds you how far you've come. I also battled the peanut butter cups - I had a bag on my night stand in college - I would eat them breakfast, snack and lunch (and I usually slothed through the day hungry) - it was not good. Think about how you are feeding your little boy, not just yourself. He probably wants to try new things like broccoli, corn on the cob and Thai food, and is probably getting tired of peanut butter cups! That may get your mind off of the food as an issue for you if you are treating it more as well rounded nourishment for the little guy. This is IMHO because I have never been pregnant and many never will be, so take it as you wish.

    Oh yeah by the way, CONGRATULATIONS, you are going to be a mommy, live in the moment! Maybe shopping for a jogging stroller that adapts to your bike would be fun, or maybe one of those front packs so that you can go exploring with your growing family. Something to keep your mind on being active. Man, I wish you were my mom, you're going to be really cool!

    Nearing fall I usually start my 'heavy' eating that includes more mashed potatoes, gravy and 'warm' food, so I understand your struggle with food. You are really lucky to have a nutritionist with you on this journey, I'm sure many women wish they had some direction.

    Also, check out this blog on Runner's World, just had a baby boy and she describes her journey through pregnancy as an athlete (see look how far you've come, you're a pregnant triathete).

    OOOH, another thought, you could use your pregnancy to be as active as possible and someday be able to tell the little guy all of the things you did when you were pregnant with him! My mom told me she re-finished my dreser with urethane when she was pregnant with me - that explains a lot.

    Anyway, I've rambled enough, I would like to thank you for all of your comments on my blog over the summer, you're always so helpful and encouraging!
    Have a great weekend and a wonderful bike ride through wine country and I'll be waiting for photos next week.
    Go Macha Momma Go!!!!

  4. I swam almost the entire time I was pregnant with my first, but it was also an El Nino year and hotter than heck! I was always in the pool.

    With all of your knowledge and the lifestyle you lead now, you'll probably be THE perfect pregnant woman!

    I'm still so exited for you!

  5. Shoot, I gained 50 pounds when I was pregnant, and I was already overweight too. You can do it and I wish I had eaten healthier for my baby girl. I am rejoining ww meetins on Monday nights and I am excited. I like your blog, I will come back to see how you're doing.

  6. hey, I dont blame you at all! you are after all, eating for two. sure thats not a reason to go hog wild, but Im not suprised that you find yourself hungrier and craving things that you might not have before. It would be great to say you would get out of this without a gain, but you know its going to happen. accept that, but also realize that just as you didnt want to give your body junk food when you were living healthy, you dont want to give it to the baby either. thats the best I can do as I have not been pregnant, but I guess its what I would tell myself.

  7. I think your eating will kick into a better groove in this 2nd trimester. You'll probably start to get some cravings and just pray that they're good ones! I craved steak and broccoli when I was pregnant (which was a good thing!).

    Hang in there and don't be too hard on yourself. This is a special time and you should enjoy it. Just remember that if you overdue it you could end up with Gestational Diabetes and then there will be NO Reeses Cups (wouldn't that suck!). MODERATION!

  8. Michelle, Michelle, Michelle,

    I can SO epmathise wuth everything you are writing about food.

    I was losing weight for my wedding and really fit when I fell pregnant.

    I decided that due to a long, confusing relationship with my weight demons I wouldn't weigh myself while pregnant,I didn't want negative feelings complicating such a wonderful thing

    Well, I was sick, sick, sick. And for the last half of my pregnancy I was travelling overseas and finding good food choices was hard. I found that hot chips and choc milk were some of the only things that didn't make me feel wretched, so thats what I ate. The result- 20kg heavier 6 weeks AFTER giving birth, so I shudder to think how heavy I was before I had her.

    I am hoping to get to goal before I get pregnant again and hope to do a bit better with eating next time

    Here's a few things I think

    You need to eat more often when your pregnant- that is not an excuse, keeping your blood sugar stable wards away some of the not so good feelings and the tiredness. This DOESN'T mean you need to eat chocolate more often. I think next time I'll try to find healthier comfort foods, nuts, strawberries, bananas, oven fried chips....I'm sure you know your healthy comfort foods after such a long journey

    Weight gain in your first trimester is necessary...your body has gone through awesome changes. You have 2L more blood (therefore 2kg or nearly 5 pounds) pumping through your system to nourish your baby, your uterus is getting all nice and plump and the placenta is starting to form. There is amniotic fluid too and of course the baby! These are marvellous changes that will add pounds on the scale. I noticed you wrote about the average weight gain for an overweight woman...I don't know what your goal is but I think if you were my patient I would consider you a normal weight woman..and for the purposes of your pregnancy I think you should too

    But my BMI...I hear you say...

    MOst personal trainers and athletes are at least overweight on the BMI scale, some even obese due to the weight of their lean muscle mass. Looking at the photos of Michelle the athlete...If you had a body composition scan I feel sure you'd be in the normal range for body fat etc.

    This is turning into an essay, sorry
    Just wanted to can do it,
    You're looking fab,
    The weight is mostly baby related so far and therefore wonderful!
    Good luck in finding chocolate alternatives...but do keep eating!

    AND YAY! You're busy making eyebrows! And all the other necessary things for a little, gorgeous baby boy!

    Take care

  9. and?

    did you go to the gym and weight train?

    I completely get what you said about the I WANT TO EAT HEALTHY---I DO BUT IM NOT.

    Ive been there.
    for me it took a LOT of visualization.

    before I ate.
    of myself eating clean healthy and then VISUALIZING how doing this propelled me ever closer to my goals.



  10. I saw in my feed reader that you started posting again, but your blog only shows partial feeds, so I have to click over. I kept getting side-tracked. Finally, I made a point to come over and - what? - you're having a baby! That's awesome. The story of how you told your mom brought tears to my eyes.

    With my first pregnancy, I gained almost 70 pounds and never lost it all. I told myself that i was "eating for 2." Boy do I regret that.

    On the bright side, with my last pregnancy, I gained a healthy amount and lost it all within a few months. I was just more careful about it. I actually gained about 5 pounds more than I should have, but it all came off. (Breastfeeding helps burn more calories, too,)

    Since you are working with a nutritionist, can't you get a daily calorie goal and then translate it into points? It's like 50 calories per point, roughly, isn't it? If you are more secure doing WW, I thought that might help.

    I don't know if this will help, but try not to stress. You're having a baby! :) Yea!

  11. Hey:

    I can only relate to the food thing, but have no pregnancy excuse.

    My excuses are Gorby the cat died and I'm really sad (food won't bring him back); work is stressful (who's isn't?); I wanna eat a lot right now (the corker).

    We can help each other get back on track.

    (Of course, I say this while I'm thinking: "Monday. I want to have some chocolate tomorrow, so I'll get back on track MONDAY". Sigh. Is there any hope?)

    Also, this "I'm overweight" thing. I'm not sure how tall you are, but you are not looking overweight any more. And you are an athlete, so your body mass really is much more complicated that the average Weight Watcher.

    Remember, many new folks to WW can barely walk around the block because they are so out of shape when they start.

    You've already lost weight, are very fit and that does have an impact.

    See if Christine can help with a real body mass check. Not the silly BMI number, which can be very misleading. (My BMI has me at like 23 or 24, yet, when I've had my body mass done with clippers, I'm under 20. Big difference. I weigh more than the charts would like me to weigh, but I also have larger muscles in my legs and arms.

    However -- I completely understand your concerns about wanting to keep your pregnancy weight gain to a reasonable level.

    One day at a time will help -- both you and me.

  12. You're soooooooo right. After you eat the first piece of chocolate the following pieces don't always taste as good. Use that to be your motivation to steer clear.

    So glad that Jean took you in :-) She's helping you to have a fit and healthy pregnancy.

    How was DMB??

    xox from NY

  13. My first pregnancy, I gained a crazy amount of weight...second pregnancy, I was fit and in shape, and continued to exercise (pre-natal class) and bounced right back afterwards. Third pregnancy, I started a little heavier, and ended with about 25 extra pounds to lose. The point is, you ARE fit and in shape, and you should have no problem keeping it all under control - you've got a plan in place and I think you're going to do fine!

    I had to laugh at the missed swim classes - seems you officially have a 'pregnant brain', you will have more and more of those moments as time goes on, trust me on THAT one! :-) Gotta love the hormone action!

  14. Thanks for the super water advice!

    Have you started to think of baby names? That's so fun!

  15. I'm with you on the chocolate thing. I try to not eat even one little piece or I'm done for...why is that?

    I think you're going through a bit of a transitional're used to having a very regimented eating program with WW (yes, I know there's flexibility, but still, there are rules to be followed). There are still rules for healthy eating, but they'll be a little different. You'll figure it out.

    I talk a big talk by the way. 14 years ago when I was preggers w/my first (and way less healthy) I gained 60'll be nowhere near that. You're too healthy now.

    BTW...LOVE the new blog name. Did I help with that?


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