I was having one of those fellow food-junkie talks with a friend, mulling over food cravings and the thoughts behind them. Most of the time the justification for giving in to a craving comes down to some version of "I deserve it." If I break that down though, it doesn't make sense. It's a trick, not a treat.
What I deserve is to feel good about my body. What I deserve is the ability to move and be active. What I deserve is to be free from the aches and pains that come with extra weight and lack of muscle strength. What I deserve is to have what I truly want, not what I think I want in this moment.
So as you can imagine this line of discussion came out of the Halloween candy that found its way into my home. Where did this chocolate come from? Funny thing, either I purchased it for others, or it was given to my son. None of it was intended for me. But you know how that goes. Anyway, I won't go into all the details except to say that a few days after Halloween I gave away a bunch of candy before I ate it all myself. It's the small victories.
I know I'm at a crossroads. I know that I want to maintain the weight I lost with having the baby so that I am better poised to lose more later, and so I don't feel like crud for gaining 20 pounds like I did after baby #1 was done nursing. I must learn from that past mistake. But my eating is such that I'm on path to do the same thing. So I'm thinking a lot about changing. Here's some of the self talk I've been doing lately:
"Every meal, every bite is an opportunity to make a better choice."
"If I resist it once (in the store) I won't have to resist it a thousand times at home... and in the end eat it anyway."
"What do I truly want?"
"How about some water?"
There are a lot others but the point is I'm trying to get some control. But I need support and right now I'm not getting much. I'm not in the place that I want to do Weight Watchers, it just doesn't feel like the right fit right now. I was talking with a friend, saying I wanted some type of weekly group support and she suggested I check out OA (Overeaters Anonymous). Of course my first reaction was, "I don't want to do the 12-steps and all that." She insists you don't have to do that part if you don't want to. Funny thing, in my line of work I'm always talking up the 12 step recovery and telling people to go to meetings even if they're just curious, and I'm hesitating. Anyway, I think I'm going to go. I have to do something. And, since I'm not going to dive into triathlon training or start tracking every bite, OA seems like something interesting to try. I'll let you know how it goes.
Lastly - baby update. Both continue to grow and thrive beautifully. Myra had her 2-month checkup today and is already 10 pounds! And she's shot up in length, 22.5 inches. Marek has developed a willfulness that is mostly a joy to watch but sometimes is argh! My family has become more than I ever imagined it could be and I am striving to love every moment.
Thank you for all the supportive comments and for sharing the joy that is my new little bundle of love. I appreciate everyone that reads this blog and reminds me know that I'm not alone on this journey.