I don't know what to say. I didn't exercise today. It was in the back of my mind to try and fit it in but it wasn't a big priority. I know, just doesn't sound like me, right? But some days are like that. They just demand all of your attention and everything else becomes secondary. I've been referencing going through some difficult personal issues and today I saw a therapist with the hopes it will help me find my way. I'm a big believer in therapy if you can get it. It's a great luxury, someone to listen, someone unbiased and nonjudgmental. I'm hopeful that whatever path this takes for me, that I am able to keep myself grounded and living a healthy lifestyle. No, I'm not hopeful, it is not a hope, it is a must. I would not be the me I am today if I lost that part of myself, and you know what? I kind of like this new me. I think she's got a thing or two going for her.
Anyway, the point is (for this blog anyway), that I didn't run today. Between all of this personal strife and not running today I decided to have the kids go to daycare tomorrow so I could a) run and b) have the space and time to process some of my feelings without my little darlings pulling at my pant legs. This was kind of a no-brainer given that I was home with them yesterday and that if I don't get a day to myself here soon my head might well explode. Ok, it won't explode. I can be a bit dramatic. Like how I've been wondering if all my GI problems are actually a sign of stomach cancer. See? A touch of drama. Just a touch.
Food-wise it was a weird day too. I had Special K with soy milk and my coffee/creamer for breakfast. Remembered to take my vitamins. Had no mid-morning snack and no lunch. Terrible, I know. So just before picking up the kids I stopped at Burger King and got one of my go-to fast food items, a Whopper Jr with no cheese and no mayo (nor pickles or onions but you don't care about that). Only 260 calories, 10g fat - 7 points for those who count. Of course I skipped fries but I did have one or two of the kids' chicken strips when I got home. Yes, I fed my kids chicken strips for dinner. I've been known to stoop to such lows. Besides, it's better than opening the fridge, handing them a fork and saying, "good luck kiddos," right? I also ate some raw veggies dipped in the Greek yogurt dip I mentioned yesterday. And a cookie.
I'm striving to not eat for emotional reasons. It's hard. Part of me wants to get up and make a big bowl of cereal (ahem, kind of like I did at some point yesterday afternoon) just for something to do, something to distract me and make me feel...feel, what? Good? I know it won't make me feel good. Feel what then? Numb, perhaps? It won't do that either. The only thing it will make me feel is overfull and my confidence will probably take a temporary dip. So, the cereal will distract me for a few moments but otherwise it won't help at all. No, no cereal. I can sit with my feelings. I can tolerate them. I am stronger than I have ever given myself credit for. Maybe that's what this weight loss journey has been about, tapping into me, tapping into the strength that was perhaps always there but never drawn on. Never recognized. All I know is this journey has brought me to this moment. I am here, ready to face the future. Yes, my head hurts. Yes, my heart aches. Yes, I'm facing an unclear future. But eating a bowl of cereal - when I'm not hungry, when it's not 7am, when I'm not at a consumer research center giving feedback on texture and taste - won't change any of those things.
By the way, I just had an epiphany. My head is throbbing and my eyes feel like they have been on a 3 day stimulant binge (not that I have any personal experience with such things mind you). I have that fighting sleep feeling, kind of like a crabby toddler, the difference being I know I'm tired despite feeling like I must stay up. My epiphany? Take some darned medicine. So I just took two Advil PM. If this post unravels a bit you'll know why.
Ok, somebody has to have something positive and fun to say around here because this post is too heavy! How about this? Remember when I shared the Marin County Triathlon shirt that I won from Greenlayer Sports? So me being me, I posted a picture of the shirt on their Facebook page and thanked them. Well, lo and behold they emailed me to say they were sending me a hoodie (because I had to wait several months to get the shirt)!! So the hoodie came today. Perfect timing, this little missy needed a treat.
And it's not what I was expecting, it's way cooler! It's zip-up and has reflective stuff on the pockets and along the trim. It's super soft inside and in the pockets. Not sure if it's water resistant or not but it fits me great and I don't have a black zip-up hoodie (until now that is) so I'm super happy. Thank you Greenlayer Sports!! On that happy note I am ending this post. Night all.