Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Thoughts of a Food Junkie

I Eat

I eat when I'm happy
I eat when I'm sad
I eat when I'm alone
I eat at a party
Food is the problem
Food is the solution
Food is my enemy
Food is a friend
I eat to celebrate
I eat to mourn
I eat when I'm sick
I eat when I'm well
Food is my demon
Food is my salvation

I talk to a lot of people about diet, exercise, fitness and health. And a lot of them want to lose weight. Some want to lose those few extra pounds, 5-20 or 30, some want to lose more. But I've learned that not all of them have the relationship with food that I've had. Not all of them are like me, a food junkie. I know when I'm talking to a non-food junkie because I see a slightly confused look as I describe some of my behaviors. They say things like, "Really? You still do that?" Well, I've changed, quite a bit, but this food thing is a demon that one does not easily expel.

So, a food junkie I am. I've used that term to refer to myself for a number of years now, and I still feel it's true. That's not to say I think I have an addiction, though I meet the basic criteria - to continue to engage in unhealthy behaviors despite negative consequences with failed attempts to change. That's perhaps an oversimplification but by that criteria perhaps you could call my relationship with food addictive in nature.

I suppose in the end it doesn't much matter how it is defined, I merely know it's been an unhealthy relationship for most of my life. I've made great improvements in the past 6+ years since I started this journey but it continues to be a battle, sometimes a daily one, sometimes an hourly one. Sometimes the battle is purely situational - a party where the wine and appetizers seem to be in non-stop supply - and sometimes it's emotional - feeding a feeling I might not even recognize. And by the way, hunger can be satisfied with food. Feelings, however, never get full. If you start out eating in the absence of hunger, and only stop when you feel sick, there's no doubt what that is.

But I also have times of freedom from the battle, when the pull of food is not there and healthy choices come easily, naturally. During these times I feel light and free, whole and alive and perfectly aligned with the world, with my appetite, with food and with my feelings. It's a glorious thing that I nurture and reinforce. I'm grateful for my sometime freedom from the pull of food, despite it not being a constant in my life, to have that experience at all makes the rest manageable.

I meet people sometimes who are still in a dark place with their relationship with food. And I think they think I'm not like them, or that I've got something special that allowed me to do this. No. I'm the real deal, food has practically been my lifelong cross to bear. And no, I'm not special. Well of course I am, but in no different way than all of us are special. I have no more willpower than the next girl, I'm no more hardworking, determined or driven than anyone else. I just did one thing well, I never gave up (and never will, god willing). And there are tons of other women out there never giving up. Problem is, they give up temporarily and by the time they come back to start the fight again they've regained weight, but they aren't giving up forever, not most of them.

Ok, so what's all this introspection about? Easy - I'm a bit sick (ucky GI bug I caught from the kids) and I haven't exercised in two days. My head is taking over and that's not always a good thing. I know I have at least one more day of rest in me, but hopefully come Thursday I can get back to it and burn off some of this angst.


  1. It seems like everyone is getting ill the last week! It's definitely the change in weather. Hope you get well soon :D

  2. I'm definitely in a dark place with my relationship with good. It's an every day battle and I'm overcoming it little by little. Visit my blog and maybe we can support each other! :)

  3. Life is like that, sometimes you're up and there were times that you're in down. Eat moderately, eat little and don't skip meals. It is also best to take our nutritional supplement daily. Feel free to visit our site. Thanks for sharing. :)


  4. Raising hand, that's me too. I always am in wonder when I have people that don't think about food like I do - I wonder how they hell they don't think about what's for lunch when breakfast is just eaten!

    I am proud to say that this summer I've put ME first, not the food and it seems to be working - but again, some days are easier than others! :D

  5. Recently I've come to a very simple point: to lose weight you just need to burn more energy than you get with your food. I've started experiencing weight problems because of my work. After 2 years spent in the office, I felt like I am becoming a part of the office furniture myself. I gained weight, my back started to ache, and I suffered strongly from the lack of physical activity. As many of my colleagues, I decided to go to the gym. Because of my tough working schedule, I could visit gym only once or twice a week. At the beginning I was excited and felt much better after training, but during the second month I used to be completely exhausted already after 1 hour in the gym. I could hardly get home. Girls in the gym told me they were taking additional nutrition to support their physical capacities. I have also tried Military Grade supplements they’ve recommended. Though, it was designed for military people, it can be used by anyone, men or women. Moreover, if it is used by soldiers, I believe it should be efficient and safe. So, I’ve tried their special pre-workout formula. I am more energetic during the training itself, second, I have much more energy even after it. And what’s most important, I’ve lost 5 kilos in 1 month!

  6. MIchelle, I needed to read this post this week. I may need to read it again and again. I'm having a pretty good week but feeling disconnected - often a precursor to unhelpful behaviors.Thank you again for posting and sharing with us.


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