So Monday, after lazing around all morning in said wallowing, I finally got myself out for a run. It was either that or leap off the closest tall building. The run seemed like the better choice. I had my Garmin on but I purposefully decided to not look at it. Just run. Run like the wind, run fierce and strong, breathe deep and hard, run painfully, outrun the pain, outrun the anguish. In the end I ran 3 miles in just over 27 minutes. Then I went to the gym and lifted weights. I'm still doing this modified full body workout while I get my muscles used to moving again.
After the workout I felt better. I had a bit of a drive ahead of me and it was late, 2pm, and I was starving. I pulled into a strip mall for a late lunch and saw two choices pop out - Quiznos or Chinese food takeout. Ohhh, Chinese food. I was about to go there and get some (I'm sure) awful food like sesame chicken, fried rice, and slathered-in-oil veggies when a thought popped into my head, "you'll feel WAY better if you eat something healthy." That was enough to get me into Quiznos and order a turkey flatbread for 470 calories. Before I even ate the food I felt better about myself, knowing I was making a choice that was in my own best interest, that said, "I care about myself, I matter enough."
That said, I was still deep in psychological angst and stayed in a dark place the rest of the day. Which is ok. Feelings are feelings and I can feel them and still be ok. I don't remember what I had for dinner, and how much/if there was snacking, etc. But I'm focusing on my exercising right now and being patient with the eating/food falling into place. So whatever happened, happened.
Yesterday, Tuesday, I got myself to that WW meeting I'd promised to get to. And it was great. Simply being around others on this journey is inspiring. Seeing a woman who has 100+ pounds of weight to lose celebrating hitting her 40 pound lost mark was a big reminder of where I've been and what I'm doing. Something unexpected happened. I found out that for every year of maintaining you get recognized in the meeting. If you weigh in 10 out of the 12 months at goal weight you get another key.
|Lifetime key has a new buddy, 1 year key.|
That day at lunch I had what I'd consider a normal sized lunch but for whatever reason felt really full. For the first time in a while I had that, "I feel fat" feeling. So I sent a text to a friend for support, "You are not fat, In fact, you're that skinny woman that everyone hates because you're so skinny." I laughed out loud. Ok, that helped. Thanks Stacy! I sure hope that's not true, by the way, but the thought just made me smile, which is what I needed.
I went to a meeting in the late afternoon and darnit if they didn't have lemon cream pie. Probably my all-time favorite pie. So I had a big piece. And also sampled the chocolate cream cheese frosting cake. Ugh. But you know what? It's ok. Focus on the exercise, the food will fall into place. That's what has always happened, what I know is true. Just keep doing what works.
So after work I hit the gym with a plan to ride the upright bike. But a spin class was about to start when I got there so I hustled into change and got a bike. I could only stay in the class for 45 minutes but that was awesome! I was sweating like crazy and my heart got a real workout. Then I went and did just a few weights because my body is still adjusting and is sore. I left the gym feeling about as spiffy as a new car, with an extra dose of gratitude that the darkness is lifting.
Today is Miguel's 40th birthday. I'm heading out now to get a cake, etc, and my mom is making dinner. We're going to have a small celebration with the kids after he gets off work. They are very excited about his birthday, which is so sweet. Children are a gift, they shine such a light on all that is right in the world. I am grateful for their health and love and light. And also grateful they have an amazing dad. They are so lucky to have him. Happy Birthday Miguel!
Ok, that's all I have. Today is a rest day, back at the exercise tomorrow. One last thing - I got a haircut on Friday. A little shorter than usual and I love it!!