When I went to the doctor yesterday I was hoping for some, "Ok, things are sounding better, keep it up." But instead got, "things are not sounding any better." She said my body seems to have done too good of a job managing the infection and walled it off, which is not allowing it to break up and leave my lungs. She talked in a range of 3-4 weeks as far as recovery time. I go back on Wednesday and if I'm showing no improvement by then, well, let's just say that won't be good.
I feel a mix of embarrassment and stupidity over this. How could I not have known something was wrong? I was waking up in the middle of the night with night sweats, I was so friggin' tired in the afternoons I had to pull out all the stops to get myself into the gym (that's just not normal for me, right?), and I was coughing and intermittently feverish for weeks. Looking back it seems obvious something wasn't right. Well, of course I knew something wasn't right but I figured it was a chest cold combined with that other chronic condition from which I suffer - parenthood. I didn't figure on it being pneumonia and taking me down for weeks on end.
This has been a real lesson in listening to your body. Generally I think I do a fair job of that, but this situation shows I could be doing better. Way better. It's just so damn tricky. Tired? Skip the gym? No. Tired and coughing? Maybe. Tired, coughing and waking up with night sweats? Dork, of course you skip the damn gym and by the way, go to the friggin' doctor. Which I eventually did. Oh dear me I'm rambling. Told you I didn't know what to say.
So we have the birthday party tomorrow. I think I mentioned my son is turning 4. Four! Time...slipping by. Anyway, they'll be loads of kids running through the house all jacked up on cupcakes and a bouncy house, along with their parents, keeping me distracted. Then the post party delegating (because I'm not really supposed to be doing much), and then Monday. Monday will be quiet again, very restful, and I'm so looking forward to that actually. As much as I like the distraction, I do feel like I need some alone time.
Ok, to snap out of my sad-fest for a moment I want to share a very thoughtful and inspiring post that Melissa shared with me on my FB page:
She's right, I do find it encouraging. It's so downright special to have helped someone during a challenging moment. Melissa dug in and found a bit more inner strength, she tapped into that extra well of push, and something I wrote helped her find it. It's like I get to share a tiny piece of her success and it's awesome! I'll have to keep that question, "Do I want it?", in mind during this phase. I'm down, but I'm not out. I'm feeling a little blue but I try to push any negative thoughts out of my head and replace them with positive ones. What's it going to feel like to run again sans illness? Easy (eventually), fun, free. How will I feel once I'm at 100% again? I'll feel great! That's what I'm reminding myself when I get all waaaaaah on myself.
Besides, this isn't end-stage cancer. I really need to keep this crap in perspective. Oh hell, this whole post is an embarrassment, well, except the part about Melissa, that's the only redeeming quality. I'm stopping this now.