my "before" pictures last night and had a strange feeling. Who is that woman? I don't relate to her. It's such a different version of "me" and yet I know it was me. What does it feel like to live in that body? I've sort of forgotten. I got close to having that body again after Myra was born. My weight crept back up to 199, but still not the 233 I was when I started. I just look at those pictures and think, "wow. wow, wow, wow."
That belly, those arms, that face. Such a different body. I feel so much freer to be me now. I don't have to compensate for anything. I never had to, but I didn't know that. Now that I have an improved sense of self worth, now that I feel validated in my own right, I move through the world in a much gentler way, I think. I don't need the armor anymore. I never needed it. The only person attacking me was me. Self-sabotage.
Not that I'm over all that now. I still struggle, as you well know. The difference is I come out of it. I recognize it, and I come out of it. I care enough to find the behavior bothersome and worthy of my attention. Oh geez, this has turned into one my therapy posts. Let's move on.
Today was good.
Breakfast: Kashi GoLean with almond milk
Work was ridiculous today. Busy, busy.
Snack: Rice cake, cheese stick
But I made time for lunch anyway.
Lunch: Chicken marsala, salad, broccoli, vegetable soup
The chicken had a sauce on it that I mostly scraped off. But then it was dry and boring without it so I ended up eating it anyway. I figured the meal was pretty damn healthy otherwise.
Back to work, work, work. Work has been much busier and more stressful the past couple of months. So many fires at once, I just can't tend to them all. I'm feeling the pinch of being just one person with only so many hours in the day.
That was a big snack but I was hungry and it was all wholesome food so I'm not going to worry about it.
All day I was looking forward to spin class after work. Glenn is such an energizing instructor and the class is attended by some of my favorite gym peeps. But as the workday came to a close I realized I wasn't going to make it. I had too much that had to get done today. I felt so bummed to be missing the class. In fact, by the time all was said and done I would only have about 30 minutes to exercise.
As usual I didn't let lack of time stop me from doing something. I contemplated how to use the time. Normally I ride the bike for 25 minutes, so today should I do 15? 10? I only had 30 minutes total, and I generally believe weight lifting is a better investment in physical fitness (though cardio is important too), so I opted to do only 10 minutes on the bike, at a slightly harder intensity than usual to compensate, so I'd have more time for weights. After the bike I dove into chest/triceps/core for strength training.
I read somewhere that you only need to do half the exercise to maintain physical fitness as it took to obtain it. So today was a maintaining day for sure. Where I'd normally do three sets, I did two. Where I'd normally do two, I did one. And I was hustling around the gym probably looking rather serious. In the end I was able to do a bit of everything. Whew! It felt so good to get even a mini-speed-workout in. Exercise just makes all the difference for me.
Then I flew to pick up the kids. We had a few errands to run and there was no way I'd be able to do that and get dinner ready so I opted for pizza. The kids had a cheese pizza and I had a salad with artichoke hearts, onions, mushrooms, olives, mozzarella cheese, tomatoes, and grilled chicken. I put mostly balsamic vinegar on the salad but added a little of their balsamic vinaigrette too. I also ate
Tonight I was feeling a bit of munchiness. My stomach actually feels a hint of hunger. But I reminded myself of my goals, of what matters to me, and I shut the kitchen down and came to bed.