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The last few days I have been lost in the depths of self-pity. Woe is me, things are challenging so I deserve to eat It's It ice cream sandwiches, goldfish crackers and string cheese until I'm over-full. Because that totally helps the situation, right? And I haven't been to the gym. I had a headache last week that hung around for 3 solid days. It just kept coming back.
Friday I finally managed to kick the headache between back-to-back dosing of Excedrin along with a massage. The massage was AMAZING. Painful at times, but amazing. Best one I've had in ages. I used to get headaches, in my old life, all the time. But since I've started taking care of myself they are a rarity. I know I was eating a lot of crap there for a while but lately I'd been eating better, more whole foods.Well, until the end of last week.
Anyway, I went to bed last night feeling like a loser. Same old behaviors, same old question - why?! But then my higher self stepped in to answer, thankfully. First off, settle down tiger, it's not that bad. Two string cheeses and many handfuls of goldfish do not equal that crap I used to eat. So, yes, reminiscent of old behaviors but do not equate the two. Second, I really didn't eat much yesterday in general so the late night snacks didn't exactly send my calorie count into the stratosphere.
But more important...I'm doing the best I can. I'm a mom, with two
young children, and their needs are heavy on my mind these days. And I
question myself, sometimes like a cynical CIA agent, doubting my skills
as a mother, as a person, doubting my integrity and worthiness. I know, I
know - I told you things are hard. I'm going to start writing here soon,
more about what's happening in my life. But I have to get things a
little more straightened out in my own head first.
I had a point. About the mother part. I've started to apply the same
tools I learned in losing and keeping the weight off to my feelings
about myself as a mother. Highlight the positive, accept the
imperfections as part and parcel of the journey, expect disappointment,
reinforce the good, set myself up for success, know there is no failure
as long as one hasn't given up...and most powerful of all, try to see
myself as they see me. Those little eyes looking up at me as though I am
all that I should be, all that they want me to be. When I allow myself
to feel their love, their acceptance, their joy in knowing me as their mother, and not be scared by it, it frees me to
bring the very best of me to them. And I know this time, those all loving eyes, it passes quickly. I don't want to waste even a moment of these precious times.
There are lots of ways to be a mom, and this is my way. And my way, on balance, is good. I'm working on replacing that good with great!
but I'm not there yet. I've been so hard on myself, so unrelenting in
the criticism, the disappointment that I will not succeed in eliminating
pain from an imperfect past by creating a perfect present. How many
times have I written here about beating yourself up? About how it only
serves to undermine, to weaken you for the journey. How bashing yourself
on the head over and over again will only leave you weary and behind
before you even start. We can't hate ourselves into a version of
ourselves we can love. I read that recently and it resonated with me.
It's more than this, what's happening with me, but in some ways, it all comes down to this. I'm a mother and all moms know, we must be right with our children or nothing else feels right. If I let things hurt me, it trickles to them. So I must be true and good with myself, so I can be true and good for them. Thank you for reading, I know it's a bit off topic.