I've been down in the dumps.
The other night I went to bed with a bag of tortilla chips and a bowl of salsa. Really.
That, coupled with some other equally disturbing eating behaviors, has me feeling like crap. When will I learn? Nope, not going to tackle that question. The question I do want to answer is what am I going to do now?
This morning I had the thought, "I want things to change" (and by things I meant my eating behavior mostly).
So then I thought, if I want things to change then I need to change. Things don't magically change on their own, I change my behaviors, choices, thoughts, habits...that's the ONLY way.
And I was also thinking today about the fake it 'til you make it thing. Yeah, that's what I'll do, I'll fake it. How would I behave if I were in a strong, motivated, self-disciplined groove? What choice would I make if I were in a place of feeling good, confident, powerful? So do that. Past experience tells me this can work.
So I'm clawing my way out of this hole. As slowly and patiently as is warranted. Oh, for those that want numbers, I'm roughly 148, 149 pounds BUT...my body fat has gone up to 32%!! That's a change of around 4%, which is roughly 7 pounds of fat, some of which used to be muscle. Ugh. Not thinking about the numbers though, instead I want to focus on what I can do, which is make better choices.
I want to make choices that help me feel strong, in control, powerful and in charge of my destiny. I am not a victim. Crappy and too-much food doesn't fly up and into my mouth - I put it there. And if that act leaves me feeling bad, then I want to change. Can I not tell you about the KFC too-much/crap food followed by a bowl of cereal? Yeah, I told you. Not good. Probably outright bad but minimally, not good. My poor body, I'm lucky it hasn't broken out in hives.
Oh boy, does this situation call on me to practice what I preach. It's not about never falling, it's about getting up. So I've fallen, and I'm down in the dumps, but I will get up. I am getting up. And even in the getting up I acknowledge my imperfection, my humanity, but also my strength, will and determination to never give up. Ever.
I know I can gain this weight back, I know it's a risk. I will not pretend, put my head in the sand. I'll stop all the lies I've been telling myself lately about how I can work it off later, or this little bit won't count, or "but I want it." Yeah? What else do you want Michelle? Let's not forget how important this is to you.
So today I made better choices. By example, I walked into an office this afternoon and happened upon a bowl of fun-size candy. I actually had two pieces of candy in my hand. And thankfully, my brain kicked in, "No," I told myself, "this isn't the way, change what you're doing, all the little choices matter," and I put them back.
And after work, I went to the gym. I might as well have crawled in the door for how I felt. I started on the treadmill with a 5 minute warm up walk, then I ran two miles at between 5.0 and 6.0 miles per hour, but mostly at 5.5mph. But pace doesn't matter, I did what felt easy, manageable. I kept telling myself, "See? All is not lost. You can still run. And you'll build on this, just like before."
Dammit if I don't bare my soul on this darned blog sometimes. The inner workings of a sometimes twisted up, pathetic girl. I know, I'm not pathetic, or twisted up, it just feels that way when I expose some of my thoughts.
|Not today, chips.|
A moment ago I made myself a cup of apple/cinnamon tea. And at lunchtime today I came home to put the rest of the chips down the garbage disposal. Right now I just don't want those foods in my living space. I know what works at a time like this, and that's what I plan to do.