Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Fake It 'Til You Make It

Oh woe is me.

I've been down in the dumps.

The other night I went to bed with a bag of tortilla chips and a bowl of salsa. Really.

That, coupled with some other equally disturbing eating behaviors, has me feeling like crap. When will I learn? Nope, not going to tackle that question. The question I do want to answer is what am I going to do now?

This morning I had the thought, "I want things to change" (and by things I meant my eating behavior mostly).

So then I thought, if I want things to change then I need to change. Things don't magically change on their own, I change my behaviors, choices, thoughts, habits...that's the ONLY way.

And I was also thinking today about the fake it 'til you make it thing. Yeah, that's what I'll do, I'll fake it. How would I behave if I were in a strong, motivated, self-disciplined groove? What choice would I make if I were in a place of feeling good, confident, powerful? So do that. Past experience tells me this can work.

So I'm clawing my way out of this hole. As slowly and patiently as is warranted. Oh, for those that want numbers, I'm roughly 148, 149 pounds BUT...my body fat has gone up to 32%!! That's a change of around 4%, which is roughly 7 pounds of fat, some of which used to be muscle. Ugh. Not thinking about the numbers though, instead I want to focus on what I can do, which is make better choices.

I want to make choices that help me feel strong, in control, powerful and in charge of my destiny. I am not a victim. Crappy and too-much food doesn't fly up and into my mouth - I put it there. And if that act leaves me feeling bad, then I want to change. Can I not tell you about the KFC too-much/crap food followed by a bowl of cereal? Yeah, I told you. Not good. Probably outright bad but minimally, not good. My poor body, I'm lucky it hasn't broken out in hives.

Oh boy, does this situation call on me to practice what I preach. It's not about never falling, it's about getting up. So I've fallen, and I'm down in the dumps, but I will get up. I am getting up. And even in the getting up I acknowledge my imperfection, my humanity, but also my strength, will and determination to never give up. Ever.

I know I can gain this weight back, I know it's a risk. I will not pretend, put my head in the sand. I'll stop all the lies I've been telling myself lately about how I can work it off later, or this little bit won't count, or "but I want it." Yeah? What else do you want Michelle? Let's not forget how important this is to you.

So today I made better choices. By example, I walked into an office this afternoon and happened upon a bowl of fun-size candy. I actually had two pieces of candy in my hand. And thankfully, my brain kicked in, "No," I told myself, "this isn't the way, change what you're doing, all the little choices matter," and I put them back.

And after work, I went to the gym. I might as well have crawled in the door for how I felt. I started on the treadmill with a 5 minute warm up walk, then I ran two miles at between 5.0 and 6.0 miles per hour, but mostly at 5.5mph. But pace doesn't matter, I did what felt easy, manageable. I kept telling myself, "See? All is not lost. You can still run. And you'll build on this, just like before."

Dammit if I don't bare my soul on this darned blog sometimes. The inner workings of a sometimes twisted up, pathetic girl. I know, I'm not pathetic, or twisted up, it just feels that way when I expose some of my thoughts.

Not today, chips.
Anyway, I coughed a little and sniffled some but on the whole I felt good. After the run I did some light weights and a bit of ab work, leaving after an hour in total. Perfect for a first day back after being sick. And tired. And unmotivated.

A moment ago I made myself a cup of apple/cinnamon tea. And at lunchtime today I came home to put the rest of the chips down the garbage disposal. Right now I just don't want those foods in my living space. I know what works at a time like this, and that's what I plan to do.


  1. Why does it have to be so hard ALL the time?? I'm trying to wrap my head around the fact that this is going to be a daily battle for the rest of my life.........really??? EVERY day?? not fair not fair :( Maintenance seems to be a different animal....I wish I had the need to tackle it but alas I haven't even gotten to the lose weight part in order to have a need to maintain....what an effing struggle this all is....grrrrrrr thanks Michele for being so "real" we all need to hear to truth. It gives us ideas and suggestions on how to find our own unique way through the maze.....in our quest for good health. Keep on Keepin on....you are on the other side now. Find a plan and routine to keep you there...oh and then tell us how to do it? lolol

  2. Ah, i feel for you! Finding that headspace seems to take time, i've recently started writing my intentions first thing in the day and last thing at night as it seems to task the brain with what you want to focus on...and it subconsciously goes to work doing that, "eg i want to choose healthy nutrient dense foods today to fuel my body and mind, i want to be open and positive with myself and others, i want to focus at work and be positive in all my interactions, warding off any negative energy which may be nearby" etc...try it! I am on day 4 and have recently returned to work after 20mths of parenting and so far it seems to be helping me focus especially...! Treat yourself with love.

  3. Excellent job putting the chips down the drain. I had a horrible Sunday and on Monday I called my husband and asked him to do the exact same thing with our chips. There are times they are safe in the house...and then there are those other times. I am proud of you.

  4. Keep clawing!!!! You will make it!!!!

  5. I have bad days, but I use those bad days as an example of how I don't want to feel. When I am sitting up late at night studying for uni and want to binge on snack all I have to do is think about how I felt after I binged the last time and it puts me back in check. When I fall of the wagon and mess up. I try to look forward and just use it as a learning experience for the next time I feel week. Using them as an example of how I don't wanna feel. But not falling of the wagon is easier said than done. Glad it's working out for you! Just keep moving forward. I have lost 13 pounds so far, and keep moving along!!


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