Wednesday, July 20, 2016

I've Done Nothing Wrong

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I haven't been writing much but in my most recent post, I shared that I've gained some weight (I'm 15 pounds over my official "goal" weight - even though I kind of don't believe in the concept of a goal weight anymore), that I'm not exercising like I used to, and that I've been struggling to find a way to address the weight gain.

For me, this wasn't something I was hiding, or felt/feel ashamed of. It just is. So that's why I was taken aback when a comment included now that I've "admitted" to the weight gain, I can begin to address it. I thought, woah, wait a minute...admitted? I generally think of needing to admit to something when I've done something wrong. For me, it includes a sort of moralistic aspect to it, inherently suggesting that whatever I'm admitting to must be bad. Maybe that's just me. And then another commenter used the word again. 

Which, me being me, got me to thinking. I have nothing to admit to. I can share, report, update...disclose even. But I was never hiding the weight gain and don't see it as anything that needs admitting to. Maybe I'm making too much of this but, for me, getting the right/wrong, good/bad thinking out of my head when it comes to my eating and exercise choices and my body, was a lot of work. Work that I think was integral to changing the way I thought about weight loss (and maintenance). 

So, my weight is hovering around 159 pounds and I'm not pleased with that truth and I'm a work in progress as to how to address it. But I'm good. I know I would feel better if I were exercising regularly and eating better, and I believe I'll find my way in due time. I also believe this type of episode might be a normal part of long-term maintenance for a person like me, who got what I call the "food gene."

I'm still doing some things that are very important to not falling entirely off the wagon. Most important, I'm weighing myself almost every day. It keeps reality in front of me. Without that, I could be in a major state of denial and just let the pounds keep adding up. And I'm still making an effort, here and there, to eat better and exercise. As I said before, all is not lost. I'm no longer wearing a size 4, or 6 even...most of my pants are a size 8. And I can still run a 5k at the drop of a hat. Most weekends I go on a run of some sort.  

Running, let's focus on that, because I still have a love affair with running. Last week I was driving through San Francisco, it was a gorgeous day, and I just so happened to not be in a rush. As I was passing over the Golden Gate Bridge I thought, "I should go for a run." I had my gear in my car, having packed it that morning thinking, "I'm a runner, and runners carry running gear." But my lazy brain said, "eh, running is hard." Yes, but I love it. I LOVE IT!

So I pulled over before I could listen to my lazy brain, changed in my car, and went for what turned into an hour run along the beautiful San Francisco coast. Glorious!


 Here's the route I took (highlighted in yellow).


Because I'm not running regularly I ran at a very leisurely pace, and walked up the occasional stairs, but it felt amazing. And when I came around to the beach, I just kept on going. 

I felt so good that I had a hard time turning myself around. Yet I knew I'd been running for 30 minutes and pushing past an hour could lead to pain, or injury even, so I turned around and soaked in the gorgeousness and the feeling of being a bad ass runner woman as I ran back to my car.

Ok, what else? There's been so much going on I can't even tell you. I think I said I had a job change, which was a huge source of disruption to my routine. And the changes are still coming. Life, right? Change, settle, change, adjust, change...at least that's how it's been this year. Some days I have moments of fear and panic that it's too much, that I want everything to be predictable and easy but then I have moments where I am excited about all the possibility. 

Anyway, so the other thing is...summer trips! I met Mr. Mr in Munich and we spent five days in Europe. I landed mid-morning and one of the first things we did was...go for a run! I was determined to go on a run because I felt so bummed that I didn't run when we were in Sweden earlier this year. So we ran along the Isar river for I don't know how long, taking in the sights, and then went for dinner. We got up in the morning and started a road trip though the Alps and down to Milan. We stayed in a small town called Bormio, and ran along a river there too. And then made our way to Lake Como, taking in the lake and the beautiful small towns surrounding it.
On Lake Como
Oh, and we walked on water in Lake Iseo, taking in the artist Christo's latest exhibit. That was totally surreal, I could probably write a book about that day.


The other summer thing is Miguel and I took the kids camping. I unplugged so completely on that trip that I have almost no pictures. But here's a picture of my two bugs climbing lakeside on a tree branch. I'm so grateful we can do these things together, I know it feeds their hearts. They had a child's dream of a time, playing in the lake and building sand castles, roasting s'mores by the fire and waking up to birds singing. So fun!
 
 
So much happening and so much to think about. And, as you can see, so many opportunities to indulge. I know I'm eating more and exercising less than I'd like, and I know there's a path to feeling better about all that. I'm on that path, even as I feel a little lost, I'm on that path. Ok, that's all I have time for today. Thank you for all the support. It really helps to hear you cheering me on and know my readers believe in me, even when I don't know the way exactly.

24 comments:

  1. Your post spoke to me, today. Admitting isn't a mistake. To me admitting is that I am human just like everyone else. Sure I have lost a lot of weight, but weight loss is a journey. But I gain and lose weight like everyone. Sometimes I even gain more than I lose as my up 15 lbs currently shows. But like you said, when the journey comes back around (like it finally is), I know what I need to do. I just have to be ready for that time. Congratulations on your weight loss journey! Our stories seem to be similar. It was nice to read that! Thanks for the honesty and the post.

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  2. I'm sorry you had to deal with some not-so-helpful comments. My main thing is that I miss reading your posts when you take breaks like that, purely selfish on my part! I want you to be happy and healthy and vibrant, and it sounds to me like you're checking off all the boxes! I like the idea about not having a goal weight. I've been struggling this past year to maintain my loss and still want to lose more, but sometimes I check in with myself and ask, "How are you doing?", and I end up saying, "Huh! Pretty good!" I have more weight on that I'd like but I am very active and enjoying life and want to keep it that way. You're a big inspiration to me! Keep doing what you're doing.

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  3. I was one of those folks who used the term "admitting." I'm sorry but I call it like it is----your last blog clearly stated that you were in a funk and that you had gained some weight and were not on the track you would like to be on. You had been on a hiatus and came forward with this information. The way I interpreted it was that there was a problem and you were in the processing it. My comment in no means was meant to be rude or not-so-helpful.

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    1. Hi, thank you for commenting. I didn't take it as rude and every comment is helpful. It's nice to know people are out there, caring. I took it as a sign of how we tend to think about weight, weight gain, being overweight, etc. There's a "good vs bad" thing going on with it and it's not coming from you. There is a problem, and I am processing it. I just don't feel "guilty" if that makes sense. Again, thank you for sticking with me, even as I figure this stuff out.

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  4. I am struggling with weight loss and I believe I know what you mean about the word admitted! WE are not in denial! And we are not good or bad just because of things we eat or choose not to eat! That's where for me shame and guilt comes in! That's not helpful at all' My family comments when I'm eating healthy "oh you are being good today". So when I order something unhealthy or a bigger portion I must be "bad"????
    I can't believe people commented about you admitted you gained weight. I think you are an inspiration because you shared your journey.

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  5. Hello! I am responding to your post with a cautionary tale. Around 9 years ago I reached my goal weight. A year later I had gained a little weight back and told myself I would keep an eye on it and I would easily lose the ten pounds as I had already lost 130. I am now 58 pounds over my goal weight as I kept telling myself I will lose it this year. Though some disagree, I think weighing everyday is a beneficial idea. When I had gained about 25 pounds I stopped getting on the scale as often as I felt a bit defeated. Now I would love to be only 25 pounds I over goal. I wish you much luck in your continued journey.

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    1. I tend to think the same way – I feel better when I am weighing if not every day, then at least several times a week. I had lost over a 100 pounds and have been struggling to get back to that, am back up about 20 and I try to keep an eagle eye on it so it doesn't get worse. Also trying to be forgiving of myself, but it has to be a balance. No beating one's self up, but also taking the appropriate action to steer things back on course. I am using my ability to walk and run as my gauge for "success"; if I can still run a mile or two fairly easily, I don't worry too much and focus on how well and good I feel.

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  6. Hi Michelle. I completely agree that "admit" implies that you "did something wrong" - which you didn't!! - and was an inappropriate word for the person who made the comment to use. I love your stories and I admire all that you're doing to live a healthy lifestyle. After losing 125 pounds I'm still under my official "goal" weight but a few pounds over my lowest weight. Because I've regained so many times in the past, it makes me a little anxious. But my trainer assures me that I'm gaining muscle and losing body fat, and that's why I've gained a few. My favorite clothes still fit, and I haven't changed how I eat. Although I weight myself daily, I believe that the scale tells only a very small part of the story. That's why I get my measurements taken at least once a month. Please keep writing! With best wishes, Doreen.

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    1. I get why people use that word, and I think it speaks to how ingrained the diet mentality is, we are bad when we falter. Love your story, sounds like your trainer is right. Thank you for the support!

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  7. an experience mengasikan apparently unable to travel with the family . I love the view of the lake iseo , looks very beautiful and lovely .

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  8. I just want to say agree that accepting your mistake is the bravest thing you can do. If you have cheated on your diet admit it, if you admit then only you have the chances for the improvement.
    Omorfio

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    1. I agree, accepting my mistakes is key. I don't "cheat" on my diet though. I make choices. And those choices are *always* mine to make.

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  9. You were never wrong so don't fret about it! just enjoy your weight loss, or more like healthy lifestyle journey and the rest will come!

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    1. Truer words were never spoken. Thanks Roxanne!

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  10. Wow you have been on a journey. Sometimes when it comes on to losing weight we have to really understand out bodies. For example I know persons who will eat alot of junk food daily and they will never gain weight or if they do gain weight they haven't gained much to call them fat or unhealthy. On the other side of things you have persons of the contrary who will eat the same food and get easily fat.

    It's okay to gain a few more pounds because sometimes we can't control what happens to our bodies. We can only react to what happens. So if we gain weight, we of to react by exercising even when we know we are eating right and putting in the necessary measures to prevent it.


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  11. I've lost more than 10% of my bodyweight in the last year and lately my weight has started to creep up again, which makes me very nervous. It feels to me so intangible and mysterious WHY this happens. I agree that it's not a matter of doing something "wrong". But just what it is that causes us to stop making the choices that keep the weight off I cannot say. Certainly I love food and love to indulge but I also love being healthy and trim. I sometimes think that the operative force involved is a sort of *repressed* resentment about not being able to indulge as I would like and at the same time maintain my weight loss. It's a delicate dance to live with that underlying disappointment without dealing with it in a militaristic and brute force way which is almost never helpful. It's important to (yes) admit to these underlying forces in a kindly way and to gently guide myself to better choices, without in the process sparking a destructive backlash. A very delicate dance. The process is ongoing and never ever finally finished.

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  12. I've lost more than 10% of my bodyweight in the last year and now my weight is starting to creep up, which makes me very nervous. I've been doing a lot of thinking and asking myself WHY do slumps occur. Why does motivation come and go? I think for me there is an underlying and represssed layer of resentment and disappointment about the fact that if I want to keep my weight down I will never be able to fully indulge my desires to eat. It's a very delicate issue just how to deal with this disappointment - fighting it rigidly and violently with self-hatred will *never* work. It's a very delicate dance of acknowledging this disappointment in a kindly way and always guiding myself back to the path of healthy eating and weight loss.

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  13. I an jealous of you because you look so amazing even in heavy weight.sad

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